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Brian Arnold Traded by Rangers

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Fans in Shock

April 24, 2027
New York City, NY – A collective groan was heard all throughout the five boroughs today, as news got out that star pitcher Brian “Wonder Boy” Arnold had been dealt to the Pittsburgh Penguins for a whopping six players.

Fans have expressed outrage and disbelief at the move, and have even started a campaign to get team owner Brian Tipton to fire GM Ed Thomas because of it. “It’s a travesty!” said one Rangers fan, identified only as ‘Big Bob.’ “I may have to start rooting for the Islanders now. Arnold was everything to this team!”

GM Thomas is aware of that belief. “That’s actually part of the problem,” he said. “While it’s been great to watch the ‘Brian Arnold Show’ for the past seven years, he needs a team around him for us to be competitive, especially in the Gold League. When I took over back in ’17, this was a team destined for Bronze. So I rebuilt it from the ground up and we got back to Gold. Acquiring Arnold was a huge part of that, of course, and it also contributed to the very situation that led to this trade. Sure, we made it to Gold, but the current team is no longer sustainable. Our farm system is depleted, the big league club is getting older, and we need to think about the future. Arnold is still in his prime, is locked up long-term, and will still be a huge asset wherever he goes. If we were ever going to trade him and get something valuable in return, now would be the time.”

It doesn’t hurt that this move also frees up about $1 million in salary.

Big Bob was not impressed. “Congratulations!” he said, when told about Mr. Thomas’ comments, “You started with a team destined for Bronze, and now you’ve got it again! You’ve come full circle!”

Thomas disagrees with that sentiment. “We’re not necessarily going to drop straight back to Bronze. We have some good players coming in, and we’ll be able to hit the free agent market and make a few more trades. It’s possible that we can hang in there.”

It was at this point I offered to put him in touch with ‘Big Bob,’ so they wouldn’t have to keep using me as a middle man in their strange conversation. And it was at that point that Mr. Thomas stopped talking to me.

In seven years with the Rangers, Arnold has compiled an 89-27 record (.767 winning %) and won the Dynamic Hurler Award four times (five total, as he won one with Chicago).